and no longer holding ourselves back.

I originally wrote this on May 5th- I was home alone and struggling to sleep and I guess also struggling to remember to hit “publish.”

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It’s been one heck of a year. So much has changed and even though I’m only a year older, I feel like I’ve aged much more than that.

I used to think that when my 29th birthday was finally here, that I would be totally anxious and fighting off the “death of 30.” Blame Rachel Green. Instead, I turned 29 last December and I’ve never felt more at home in my own body and mind.

Last year was death. This year is life. And I’m fully embracing and thanking the Lord up in heaven for every single minute of it. I’m standing proud and stubborn in everything that I was ever created to be and it’s never felt better to be me.

Currently our life is in a state of weird transition. One half of the house has begun to be boxed up while the other half is completely untouched like we’re never moving. And yet- in 15 days, we will be out of here and headed to our new home and life that is waiting for us to step into it. Everything seems so… surreal. I’m saying goodbye to people and places and things even though inside I’m not fully sure it’s all really happening.

But it is. And it’s scary. And I’m sad. But I know without any doubt that this is the next move God has planned for me, for us, for my family.

Have you ever known that heavy feeling of certainty? Because it is most certainly heavy- heavy in the knowledge that nothing else but this decision is the one the Lord is calling you to, even if it doesn’t make sense.

I firmly believe that sometimes the pathway isn’t always clear because there isn’t always a right or wrong direction to go. We simply have to choose and trust that God will protect us as we go. I’ve made these decisions before and I’ve seen how he blesses action and faith.

But I’ve also felt the heavy weight of certainty that God was providing a clear path for my life. I’ve had the moments where I audibly heard his voice gently correcting me down the right path. Over the past 10 years he’s directed and weaved me through a rollercoaster ride. There has been pain and sorrow, but also real joy and full happiness. When I felt that he had forgotten me, he reminded me that I am his beloved and that the plan he had for me was still unraveling.

I still don’t know all of his plan for my life and I never will. But what I do know is that with every step I’ve ever taken, whether it was my own decision or following his lead, he has never left me unprotected or without a thousand blessings.

Thank you for this amazing life I’ve been given. I know I can completely trust you with the scariest thing I’ve ever done because all of the little steps of faith have led me here.