Today I can call you that and feel a little more confident that you are on your way soon. Just a little bit more, though, because I am scared to feel this insanely happy.
Last night I decided, enough was enough; I had to know if I was pregnant with you. It is crazy how easily my patience crumbled the minute I had set my mind on bringing you into this world. I am twenty-five and young enough to still conquer the world and yet – all I cared about was whether or not I was pregnant with you. There was nothing I could do about the process happening in my body. I could not email a reminder or place a phone call and *zap!* be pregnant. It was completely out of my hands and it was killing me.
So, last night I went to CVS and bought a pregnancy test. Rather, a box of two, because I am a perfectionist who must double check everything so that by the time I have finished this sentence I will have already triple checked every single word placement.
I was so nervous, standing in CVS, trying not to spend too much time staring at the pregnancy tests while not creeping everyone out with my eyes jumping up every time I heard someone approaching. I am not ashamed and I did not want your dad there with me, it was something I knew I had to do on my own; but, I was nervous of someone catching me before I was ready, before I had even taken the test! It was a horrific idea in my mind.
Eventually, I bought the test and the cashier lady told me to have a good night and I spent too much time contemplating if she was trying to tell me to still have a good night even if the results were not what I wished for. Your mom seriously over analyzes everything! I read online somewhere, (thank you, oh holy Google), that it was best to take the test in the morning so all night the tests stood on our dresser, haunting my dreams.
Finally, I woke up early, earlier and easier than I ever have for a cloudy Friday morning, and I decided, it was time. I had to face the inevitable. This last week had been filled with signs that you had decided to make your way into the world and it did not make a difference because I was still nervous. So without giving myself a chance to stop and think too much about what was about to happen, I grabbed a plastic party cup from the kitchen and made my way to the bathroom. As soon as the test was ready to sit and diagnose me for three minutes, I made my way back to your daddy and woke him up to let him know that our fate was about to be revealed in a red Solo cup because our life was going to be one constant party with you in the world.
When we walked into the bathroom to check the test… Oh, you should have seen his face. In fact, you probably did, watching us from above. I am so excited for you, little angel baby.
Your anxious momma – 9/19/14
This week it has been two years since I lost you and I want you to know that you will forever and always be our little angel baby.